You Are Going To Think I am Crazy...

I am so ridiculously joyful; I must be crazy, right? I shouldn’t feel like this, I should be crying, I should be so sad, I should be hiding from the world, I should hate that this happened. But I am not. Oh, yes I have cried, I have asked why, I have been sad, I had my heart broken, but there is more. I have found how true God’s word is. I don’t think I have truly understood before and now I keep getting a better glimpse every day.

To tell you the truth I am a little worried about revealing my true self to you. What will you think? Will you think I am uncaring or I am cold heart? But like the song “When God dips his love in my Heart” says, I can’t hide the love of Jesus anymore. I want to share with you the joy of healing. When he says he is the healer of the brokenhearted, he is and does.

He heals the brokenhearted

And bandages their wounds.

~Psalm 147:3

I can’t keep my joy quiet anymore. My heart is healed. I was telling Rick last night all this and he told me to be bold, just be Stephanie, and let people know my world where things are always good. Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. ~James 1:17. Yes we have the bad, hey, we still live in this broken world, but there is another place where things are perfect- Gods arms through Jesus.

I wish I could stop this from happening to others and pray that no else has to go through what Rick and I just did. But since I can’t change our fallen world, instead I want to give those who are hurting or have been hurt hope. I want to spread the joy I feel. Don’t let Satan take that away from us. Let us not be afraid. I know I will probably still have my moments (hey I am a sinner J), but I pray for myself and all those going through the same thing that we don’t have fear in our next pregnancy, that we take joy and love every moment of being pregnant from the beginning to the end when we have that precious blessing in our arms.

Love Steph

Thankyou Father!

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18

Up until this past week I really had no good application for the above verse. I had read it before and wondered if faced with some type of hard trial could this be said about me. Well if you are to ask Steph and I how we are doing and how we have done this past week the answer is good. I will be the first to admit that it has been hard and challenging and we have both shed our share of tears, however the answer still is we are good. We have amazing friends and family that have rallied around us this week and have supported us through prayers, meals and simply being there for us. To this we say thanks to all of you for the love you have shown us.

As we headed into the week I started to pray about why was this happening to us and how could it possibly be happening, especially after two very normal pregnancies that blessed us with two amazing boys. This is when the lies started to flood in from the enemy, reasons from I had made Steph work too much over the weekend, I should have never turned in the Elder application, I should have saw to it that she had got more sleep and many more lies. Steph can list a number of lies that were told to her as well over this last week that tried to discourage and divide us in this trying time. Through all of this we have seen the will of God at work. We have been able to rejoice, pray without ceasing and give thanks and for this we praise our amazing Father that has been so faithful to us.

As I started to reflect on what has been happening in our lives in the months leading up, I was able to see the Lord working in our lives to prepare us for the worst night of our lives. Every night we read with Maxson out of his Toddler Bible and for the last couple of months he has been insistent on reading about the moon, the story of creation. On more than one occasion I tried to start somewhere else and he would inform me, no daddy read about moon. His insistence caused both Steph and I to go back and take another look at the first couple of chapters of Genesis. As I studied through this I looked up the word “will” in the Hebrew and Greek to better understand God’s will. In both languages it means good pleasure and plan. In the beginning we see God’s will in its fullest as He walked with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. They were in communion with Him and there was no pain or sorrow that we now see in or lives today. By no means was it His will for us to loose a child. The loss and sorrow we have dealt with the last couple of days has been a result of the fallen world we live in. Even after Adam and Eve disobeyed God, He still took care of them by providing them with clothing as they left the Garden of Eden. The extra time that I spent over the past months studying through creation has given me a better understanding of God’s will and the fallen world we live in.

Why do I write this to share with you all? I am not sure other than it has helped me put down the thoughts and feelings I have experienced over the last week on this journey. Also I wanted to share with all of you the true will of God as I have been taught over the last couple of months through two boys, a loving wife and a lost baby. I also pray that if any of you are faced with some type of hard trial that you will be able to rejoice, pray without ceasing and in everything give thanks as you our Heavenly Father carries you during that trial.

Love,
Rick

No Fear...

Tears of heartbreak
Tears of ridiculous joy
Both are present
Both look the same running down my face

Not knowing you is killing me
Knowing you are safe makes me sing
Who would you have been?
Who are you now?

I never knew how my heart could hurt
I never knew how true the Word could speak
Not listening to the lies
Only hearing the truth
Not hiding in the sorrow
Being free from fear

Love Steph

Mommy Be Happy Not Sad...

That is what Maxson came and told me this morning. After what was probably the worst night of our (Rick and I) life so far. That was the sweetest thing ever for Maxson to say. And I really couldn't be sad after that. Last night we are pretty sure we lost our precious little baby. And not lost in that this little one will always be our little baby and we know and trust God is taking care of our baby now. But lost in the sense that we will not be able to hold and kiss our little one here in this world. It is so hard to explain how we feel, but I don't want to hide in shame or have to deal with the sadness by myself or with in ourselves. I want you to know that we are still filled with the Lord's joy and peace, which has been really strange experience for me. Not ever having been through anything like this until now I never understood how you could find joy in all situations and now I do. Jesus is the source of our joy and nothing can take that away. Yes, there is such a deep sadness in my heart that I will always have until we are all in Heaven, but I know that God is now taking care of our precious blessing and that brings me the joy that is beyond this world's understanding. We also have the two most wonderful blessing in our lives, our sweet boys and so many other blessings (family and friends). Both Maxson and Aiden today have been such joy to us. It is crazy, but Maxson seems to know when I need a smile and does something totally outrageous. For example making funny faces that he has never done before and I have no idea where he got it, but I know that God is using him and Aiden to give us His source of joy. So for now we are so thankful for our family and all of your prayers and love.

Love Steph