You Are Going To Think I am Crazy...

I am so ridiculously joyful; I must be crazy, right? I shouldn’t feel like this, I should be crying, I should be so sad, I should be hiding from the world, I should hate that this happened. But I am not. Oh, yes I have cried, I have asked why, I have been sad, I had my heart broken, but there is more. I have found how true God’s word is. I don’t think I have truly understood before and now I keep getting a better glimpse every day.

To tell you the truth I am a little worried about revealing my true self to you. What will you think? Will you think I am uncaring or I am cold heart? But like the song “When God dips his love in my Heart” says, I can’t hide the love of Jesus anymore. I want to share with you the joy of healing. When he says he is the healer of the brokenhearted, he is and does.

He heals the brokenhearted

And bandages their wounds.

~Psalm 147:3

I can’t keep my joy quiet anymore. My heart is healed. I was telling Rick last night all this and he told me to be bold, just be Stephanie, and let people know my world where things are always good. Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. ~James 1:17. Yes we have the bad, hey, we still live in this broken world, but there is another place where things are perfect- Gods arms through Jesus.

I wish I could stop this from happening to others and pray that no else has to go through what Rick and I just did. But since I can’t change our fallen world, instead I want to give those who are hurting or have been hurt hope. I want to spread the joy I feel. Don’t let Satan take that away from us. Let us not be afraid. I know I will probably still have my moments (hey I am a sinner J), but I pray for myself and all those going through the same thing that we don’t have fear in our next pregnancy, that we take joy and love every moment of being pregnant from the beginning to the end when we have that precious blessing in our arms.

Love Steph

Thankyou Father!

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18

Up until this past week I really had no good application for the above verse. I had read it before and wondered if faced with some type of hard trial could this be said about me. Well if you are to ask Steph and I how we are doing and how we have done this past week the answer is good. I will be the first to admit that it has been hard and challenging and we have both shed our share of tears, however the answer still is we are good. We have amazing friends and family that have rallied around us this week and have supported us through prayers, meals and simply being there for us. To this we say thanks to all of you for the love you have shown us.

As we headed into the week I started to pray about why was this happening to us and how could it possibly be happening, especially after two very normal pregnancies that blessed us with two amazing boys. This is when the lies started to flood in from the enemy, reasons from I had made Steph work too much over the weekend, I should have never turned in the Elder application, I should have saw to it that she had got more sleep and many more lies. Steph can list a number of lies that were told to her as well over this last week that tried to discourage and divide us in this trying time. Through all of this we have seen the will of God at work. We have been able to rejoice, pray without ceasing and give thanks and for this we praise our amazing Father that has been so faithful to us.

As I started to reflect on what has been happening in our lives in the months leading up, I was able to see the Lord working in our lives to prepare us for the worst night of our lives. Every night we read with Maxson out of his Toddler Bible and for the last couple of months he has been insistent on reading about the moon, the story of creation. On more than one occasion I tried to start somewhere else and he would inform me, no daddy read about moon. His insistence caused both Steph and I to go back and take another look at the first couple of chapters of Genesis. As I studied through this I looked up the word “will” in the Hebrew and Greek to better understand God’s will. In both languages it means good pleasure and plan. In the beginning we see God’s will in its fullest as He walked with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. They were in communion with Him and there was no pain or sorrow that we now see in or lives today. By no means was it His will for us to loose a child. The loss and sorrow we have dealt with the last couple of days has been a result of the fallen world we live in. Even after Adam and Eve disobeyed God, He still took care of them by providing them with clothing as they left the Garden of Eden. The extra time that I spent over the past months studying through creation has given me a better understanding of God’s will and the fallen world we live in.

Why do I write this to share with you all? I am not sure other than it has helped me put down the thoughts and feelings I have experienced over the last week on this journey. Also I wanted to share with all of you the true will of God as I have been taught over the last couple of months through two boys, a loving wife and a lost baby. I also pray that if any of you are faced with some type of hard trial that you will be able to rejoice, pray without ceasing and in everything give thanks as you our Heavenly Father carries you during that trial.

Love,
Rick

No Fear...

Tears of heartbreak
Tears of ridiculous joy
Both are present
Both look the same running down my face

Not knowing you is killing me
Knowing you are safe makes me sing
Who would you have been?
Who are you now?

I never knew how my heart could hurt
I never knew how true the Word could speak
Not listening to the lies
Only hearing the truth
Not hiding in the sorrow
Being free from fear

Love Steph

Mommy Be Happy Not Sad...

That is what Maxson came and told me this morning. After what was probably the worst night of our (Rick and I) life so far. That was the sweetest thing ever for Maxson to say. And I really couldn't be sad after that. Last night we are pretty sure we lost our precious little baby. And not lost in that this little one will always be our little baby and we know and trust God is taking care of our baby now. But lost in the sense that we will not be able to hold and kiss our little one here in this world. It is so hard to explain how we feel, but I don't want to hide in shame or have to deal with the sadness by myself or with in ourselves. I want you to know that we are still filled with the Lord's joy and peace, which has been really strange experience for me. Not ever having been through anything like this until now I never understood how you could find joy in all situations and now I do. Jesus is the source of our joy and nothing can take that away. Yes, there is such a deep sadness in my heart that I will always have until we are all in Heaven, but I know that God is now taking care of our precious blessing and that brings me the joy that is beyond this world's understanding. We also have the two most wonderful blessing in our lives, our sweet boys and so many other blessings (family and friends). Both Maxson and Aiden today have been such joy to us. It is crazy, but Maxson seems to know when I need a smile and does something totally outrageous. For example making funny faces that he has never done before and I have no idea where he got it, but I know that God is using him and Aiden to give us His source of joy. So for now we are so thankful for our family and all of your prayers and love.

Love Steph

Rivers of Living Water

I wanted you all to know how incredibly blessed & humbled I was last weekend, to have my Hillside family shower me with a housewarming. It's really cool to be a part of what happens when people love Jesus and allow his Spirit to send his love bubbling out..."whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him." (John 7:38)....it seems to just naturally and effortlessly flow when we come to Him to satisfy our thirst! Wow! love to you all, lg

Good Morning Jesus...

I wanted to ask all of you about your relationship with Jesus. What is it like? How close are you to him? A week ago from this last Sunday at church, my dad, Jack, showed me how close that a relationship with Him could be. Rick had taught that weekend and had asked my dad if he would lead us off in prayer for the morning and my dad agreed. I wish you could have all been there to hear the first three words out of his mouth, three words that were more telling to me than anything else could have been, three words that showed a familiarity of knowing Jesus with such closeness. "Good morning Jesus," he prayed. You could just hear the bond between them, the intimacy that they share. It is a relationship that is on a first name basis. This is not something you can just make up or have over night. It is something that is worked at continuously with a willing heart. I pray that all of us are eager for that relationship and strive to be so familiar with our King of Kings that you too can be comfortable saying "good morning Jesus."

Love Steph

Smelling Like God

Today I was thinking about a couple that are friends of mine. While thinking about them the thought occurred to me that they "smelled like God".

We all carry scents based on where we go, what we do, what/who we spend time with, products we use, etc. If you spend time in a hay field, you will smell like hay. If you spend time in a bar, you will likely smell like a bar. If you spend time in the kitchen, you will smell like food. Spiritually, we carry smells of sorts too. If you spend time in the world you can smell like the world. If you spend time in pride, anger, jealousy, revenge, self-focus, or pouring your life into knowledge of the world you will smell like the world. On the contrary if you spend time close to God in authentic humility, kindness, selflessness, and pouring your life into God's word and prayer, you smell like God.

You can try to cover up the smell of the world through God-scented perfumes and deodorants for a time, but when you find yourself stuck in a desert without these products your true scent will be discovered.

I am so grateful for these particular friends and others like them in which their mere presence makes me want to smell like God and reminds me to do a sniff check regularly. The good news is that if I smell like the world right now, I can hop in the shower and wash off stench of the world. I just have to step into the things that bring me close to God to keep smelling like Him.

What do you smell like today?

Jamie

The "At Last" Factor...

The other day I decided to start reading out of my NLT Bible again, which I absolutely love. I wasn’t sure where to begin so I thought why not at the beginning. I didn’t get very far before I discovered something I had either never read before (because the verse isn’t in all translations) or the verse had never been lit up for me. I found what describes a husband’s love for his wife- how he cherishes her, how he desires her, and how he is thankful for her. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At Last!” the man exclaimed. (Genesis 2:22-23a) “At Last!” It took just two words for Adam to say all of what I describe to Eve after he first laid eyes on his beautiful bride/wife when God brought her to him. I can’t say for all wives, but this is exactly how I feel with Rick. It explains him to the T, in the simplicity of his love, but with depth far beyond I can ever imagine or describe. I believe that all men are similar in there reactions to there wives and I can only hope their wives can see the gift God has given them. A gift of Himself, a gift of love, a gift specifically made for you. I thought this was fitting to share since it is our anniversary today. Thank you Lord for my gift of a wonderful husband and best friend in my man. And for the “At Last” factor in our marriage.

Love Steph

The Frangrance of Life...

Today as I drove to my favorite store, I was driving through the farmland that surrounds us. As I was looking around and taking it all in I could see that the harvest season is just now starting. You could just smell it in the air. I know this is the farm girl in me, but I love the harvest smell. If you are not from the farm I don’t know if I can explain it to you. The closest I can get to it is that it is like the smell of fresh cut grass. So hear I am driving and sniffing and enjoying the scenery and the words hit me “Aroma pleasing to the Lord.” That got me thinking of how does that play out in our world now. How do I/we give an aroma pleasing to the Lord? Is it possible anymore? And the answer is yes. It is who we are. The women at our church have a get-together once a month called “The Garden.” There we are given a inner beauty secret each month for us to ponder. Last months inner beauty secret was “fragrant.” This tied it all together for me. What fragrance are you emitting to others and to God? Do you have an aroma pleasing to God? Does love shine from you, are you the salt and light, are you who you say you are? I know that when God gazes down at us and sees the out pouring of His love through his people he is pleased. Thank you Lord for Your spirit, which gives us the ability to have the wonderful fragrance of life.

Love Steph

Letting God...

…Make you laugh. It is true that our God has a sense of humor. It has been many years ago that I first distinctly remember finding this out. It was a horrible day on the farm for all of us. Nothing had gone right that day. And to keep it real (sorry for airing dirty laundry family ☺) there had been tempers flying and I think at the moment no one was talking so the tension was thick. It was at that moment a sheep ran into our milking parlor. Now our dairy farm doesn’t have any sheep on the place. The only animals we have are cows, a couple of dogs, and a few cats and absolutely no sheep. So when you see a sheep running through our parlor you have to stop and laugh and wonder, “what?” That definitely broke the ice and brought smiles to our faces. God brought us laughter when we needed it most.

…Give you a hug. Yesterday was a pretty good day, but milking that afternoon I was dodging what my dad calls “pasture paint.” In other words cow poop was flying. The joys of dairy for sure, (ok I know some of you have an appalled look on your face right now, but that is the facts of life on a farm ☺), some afternoons are worse than others and yesterday was one of those days. It makes for a long afternoon milking and not much fun. So here I am not having a great time and in comes Maxson, smile on his face and the words “love you mommy.” Those words I have been waiting to hear ever since he was born. Words that every mom treasures and I got them when I needed them. My hug from God and giving me the lift up I needed.

…Romance you. Ok, this might be more for the ladies (for the men it might be more like letting God call upon you). Like all of my stories this ends up in the parlor. While reading the book Captivating I was thinking how nice it would be for Rick to romance me but not actually ask for it. I guess you need to read the book (awesome by the way) to totally understand. I wanted God to show me romance through Rick (if any of you know Rick you know he isn’t the most romantic guy around even though he has his special ways of romancing me). So I prayed it would happen all the while thinking in the back of my mind this will never happen for me. The next day while milking I plugged in my ipod and found a play list called “why”. A play list Rick had made the night before about why he loves me. I think I started crying right then and there, in the middle of milking, with the understanding that God answered my prayer and truly does love me.

…Be a number of things. Just look around you and open up your eyes and see God working in your life. Let Him be fully living in you.

Love Steph

Another Prayer

Father, after praying and crying so many times I didn't think i could any more, Mom left us to go be with You. I'm sure the idea of her being gone hasn't really settled in yet, but i am thankful for the few things she was able to express when it was hard for her to talk. I never knew how hard it would be to watch my own parent struggle so hard to do things that normally take no thought at all, and the worst part was that i couldn't do anything to help. But You were very gracious to us, because she was peaceful, she was in her own home, and had no pain. Thank You for answering that prayer of ours. We don't know your plans, Father, but we trust You. Thank you so much for your strength and for the incredible support from our church family. Love, Lisa.

A Prayer for My Best Friend and Her Family...

Lord, I come to you with sadness in my heart for my best friend, Jamie and her husband Brian. Why do things like this have to happen? Please give Brian's mom peace today as she is fighting the last stages of breast cancer in the next few days or hours. Lord, I do ask for a miracle that Helen, Brian's mom, is able to hold her grandson one last time at home. Benjamin is so close to coming home. Only a few more days and what a cherished memory that would be for the whole family. I don't understand Lord, all this stuff caused by a fallen world and I am sure I don't want to. Lord, I guess I am coming to you as a mom and asking for peace to settle over Helen knowing her family is taken care of and that You are with them always and that she is coming home to you soon. I also pray as a child and never being ready to loose a parent. That you give her children, Brian, Lisa, and David peace in all that is to come. I also pray as a spouse and not bearing the thought of loosing Rick. Give Erle the strength to carry on and also the wholeness of You that could be the only thing that will sustain any of us who are or could loose a spouse. Lord, we look to You for all that we need. And I lift them all to You. In Jesus' most precious name. Amen.

Thank you Hillside friends!!

I am so thankful tonight for a wonderful Hillside family. Thank you to those of you who came to the baby shower today. You are all so special to me and I am so grateful for you. Thank you for your kindness and care for our family!!

Love,
Cammie

Lessons from my Boys

The other day, Maxson, Aiden, and I were out playing in our sandbox (a favorite place of ours). The weather had finally changed and we were enjoying some wonderful sunshine. It was so peaceful… yes even with two boys my life can be quite peaceful. ☺ I just sat there watching my boys play in there own worlds. There was stillness all around us with only the noises of the breeze through the trees, birds singing and chirping, and the occasional cow mooing or tractor driving in some field. Those of you who have been to our farm know that there is just a peace about being out here and we can’t really explain why. As I sat there I heard the verse in my head “Be still, and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10a. I was blown away. Out in that sandbox the boys were teaching me to be still and listen and to get to know the Lord even more. By being obedient to doing things that boys like to do, the boys led me to be closer to God. Thank you God for using any moment of my busy day and seek me out and to say just be still and know that I am your God. I am looking at that time with my boys in a whole new light now. I have asked God before to give me the time to be with him and wham there it was. What a gift!

Love Steph

PS (If you haven’t had the chance yet to make it out to our farm just let us know and we can set you up out here to just sit and be still with the Lord.)

"I Want More Color In My Life"

I found myself saying this last night when talking to Rick about our yard. That statement got me thinking about the color in my life and how God has surrounded me by his beauty. It is all around me. Have any of you ever just stepped back and looked at the color in your life? For me, I see brown when I look into my husband and children’s eyes showing me the joy of family. I see red when looking at Maxson running around and Aiden rolling around, all the while smiling, showing me the fire of life. I see green with the freshness of the new growth of the spirit inside of our little men and also in us (it is amazing to watch the thirst for the Word that our son already has. Pray that he continues to have that always). I see yellow in the relationships I have with friends and family. If you look you can see color in everything, it could be just the color of the sky, grass in a field, or flowers in someone’s yard. It doesn’t take to much effort to see the beauty of color that God has provided, even when the skies are grey. For God is beauty and God is in everything. You just need to open your eyes and look around for the color in your life.

“From Zion, perfect in beauty, God shines forth.” Psalm 50:2

Love Steph

Spring

God's art is always amazing to me, and especially during early spring with His many reminders of fresh new life. Daffodils, babies, sunshine, fresh breezes....miracles! Soak it in....what an awesome way for Him to say "I love you."
l.g.

Like the Spring...

Oh spring where are you? That is what I have been asking for a while now. It is that time of year that we are shown the possibilities that are to come. We get those really nice warm sunny days when we think spring is finally here and grasses start growing, trees start budding out there leaves, and everyone starts thinking of planting flowers and gardens. Those are magical days of hope that we do have life amongst the darkness of the world and the cold winter. But it is also still that time of year that while we can have a really beautiful day of sun, the very next day can be filled with those dark clouds that bring the cold wind, heavy rains, and discouragement. Thinking about this the other day gave me a glimpse into what Jamie and Brian are going through with Benjamin. I thought Benjamin is like this time of year, early spring. He has days that he is doing really well, which gives such hope. Then the next day might bring discouragement with a day that he isn’t doing as well. I wanted to share that in praying for Benjamin I keep coming back to this time of year and the hope for what is to come. Soon spring will be here in full force and we will watch as the leaves fill the trees, grasses growing under the sun, flowers blooming so beautifully, and garden seeds starting to sprout. Soon, Benjamin too will be flourishing just like every year with a new spring and growing into the little boy God has made him to be.

Thank you God for the spring and thank you God for Benjamin!

Love Steph

Godspeed Lil' Man

Here is a tribute to the newest addition to our Hillside family...Benjamin Thomas Grove.

We love you sweet lil' man!

Love,

Cammie

Thank You Family!!!

Wow! Amazing! Incredible! Blessed! Overwhelmed! Delighted! Humbled!

These are just a few of the words that Nathan and I felt on Sunday after our baby shower for Savannah on Sunday. Thank you guys so much for your love for us and our lil' ladybug. We truly were blown away at your outpour of gifts for her. Thank you so so so very much. We can't wait for each of you to meet her. . . less than 2 weeks until she arrives.

We love you guys!
And thank you,
The Wallbaum clan

Day One

We are off on day one of the residential program. Sean and Danil were early this morning for their 7am breakfast meeting and quickly launched into a day of studying, residential work and managing their part time job schedule.

Both students met with Seth yesterday to review the syllabus and go through a brief orientation. Their attitudes are outstanding and they are eager for the journey. By 8:15am we saw their character emerging as they set out on their fist residential work project.

We all have a sense of excitement and expectancy for the road ahead. There is no doubt that this work that we are all engaged in is vital to seeing salt and light return to our culture. Thank you so much for your prayers and support! We will continue to provide updates as we move along.

Have a great week.

IHS
Zach

Thank you Secret Blessing...

There is someone or someone/s out there who has been blessing random people in the body at Hillside every week for a couple months now with very thoughtful gifts. It's completely anonymous and so there is no other way for me to say thank you then this blog, and hope that whoever it is reads it. I want to say a great BIG thank you for being a secret blessing to so many. Zach and I have been touched personally by you and are so grateful. And I've heard of many many others who have as well. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and kindness and we pray the Lord repays you for your wonderful heart of gold!!

Love,
Cammie

Shower Thank You

I just wanted to say a big thank you to all the ladies of the church for such a wonderful shower and welcoming Aiden into this world. I love all of you so dearly. What a blessing you have been to us. Thank you so much and God Bless.

Love Steph